Wheatley's Song
by Chloe Kompton
Summary: Wheatley writes a song. Chell and GLaDOS are not impressed. Drabbley oneshot!


**[A/N: Song lyrics, e.g. all of Wheatley's dialogue from "Don't call me a moron" onwards, courtesy of Miracle of Sound ("Wheatley's Song"). Go listen to it if you haven't heard it before!]**

When Chell entered the next test chamber, the classical music was gone, having been replaced by some sort of strange, off-key humming noise. She looked around, trying to figure out where it was coming from, but GLaDOS noticed before she had a chance to.

"Oh, what is _that?_ It sounds horrible. Not that we aren't grateful that you've turned off that classical music, but what _is_ that?"

"Oh, this?" Wheatley spoke up from his screen, sounding proud. "Well, I'm glad you noticed! It's just a little tune that I picked up…well, wrote, actually, wrote is more like it. See, not only am I reading Machiavelli now, I'm also writing songs, writing my own songs. To sing. To you, actually! Since you're the only ones here…anyway, would you like to hear it? Maybe I could even make it part of the test chamber. Oh, that's brilliant. Bloody brilliant, actually. Ah, how do I do that? Could you teach me?"

"No," GLaDOS grumbled.

"Oh, you don't know how?" he asked, his voice taking on a tone of superiority. "Well, wouldn't expect you to. After all, you are just a potato—"

"I _know_ how," she snapped. "I'm just not going to _teach_ you how. And that no can also be taken to mean that no, we don't want to hear your song. Which we don't, by the way."

"Oh," Wheatley said. He sounded disappointed. "Really? Are you sure? Not even a little bit?"

"I_ said_ no, you moron," GLaDOS repeated, and Chell gave an inward wince. Every time she called him that, he got angry and began doing things that were even more moronic than usual. She was smart, so shouldn't she have figured out by now that insulting him was a bad idea?

As Chell picked up the cube she needed to advance to the next chamber, Wheatley began to do something she hadn't expected. Instead of throwing a fit like he had the past few times he'd been insulted, he began to sing, "Don't call me a moron! I'm super astute!"

"…What?" GLaDOS asked. "You little idiot, what are you doing to my mainframe? It must be breaking from your stupidity. You are _not_ astute, and certainly not _super_ astute."

"There is no conundrum that my core cannot compute. No, don't call me a moron, you fostered balloon! My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon!"

_'Fostered balloon'? Hey,_ Chell thought with a frown. She'd never called him a moron. She narrowed her eyes, crossed her arms, and set the cube she had been about to place on the button down right next to it. Placing a foot on top of it, she gave Wheatley's screen a pointed glare, but he didn't seem to notice.

"And," GLaDOS said, "the space from here to the moon is not infinite. How can you even _think_ that?"

"I have studied Machiavelli, Aristotle, Gabe, and Plato, yet you still equate my intellect to that of a potato!"

"Gabe?" she asked, sounding more irritated with each word. "Who the hell is Gabe? And that's because I've never met a potato with less intellect than you!"

"This place would fall apart without my ever-watchful eye. They might tell you I'm a halfwit—it's a great big bloody lie!"

"No, it's _not_, you moron. And my facility is falling apart _because_ of you!"

Chell sighed. She picked up the cube and hovered it over the button, getting tired of listening to the two AIs bickering. Couldn't they just get along? And then maybe they could give her cake. Cake…yes, cake would be nice.

"What are you doing?" GLaDOS asked her as Wheatley began the chorus again. "Solve it! The sooner you do that, the sooner we can get out of here! And the sooner he'll stop singing."

Chell shrugged. GLaDOS did have a point, but she wanted them to stop arguing first.

"My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon! My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon!"

"Shut _up!_"

Well, it had been nice in theory. With a sigh, Chell placed the cube on the button and portaled to the exit, GLaDOS alternating between insulting Wheatley and berating her for not completing the puzzle sooner all the way to the elevator.


End file.
